june 13

I am

I am a music junkie
a radio lover,
a CD fiend.
I am eclectic in my tastes,
indulging in the awful,
the standard, the classics.
I am a believer -
I believe in music,
in rhythm,
in emotions put into words
that then stir my own feelings
even as they move my feet.
I am an equal-opportunity listener,
eager to expand my repertoire,
constantly possessing CDs
that I have yet to listen to,
constantly seeking recommendations,
new bands
to know
and love
and cherish.

Like music
I am a literary junkie,
purging on tawdry romances,
diving into Dostoevsky.
Dystopians are my favorite,
disillusioned warnings
of twisted governments
and what we might be becoming.
I am obsessed with language
and nuances,
analyzing and comparing,
figuring out
the real happenings.
That it why I love my music,
my books -
both are open
to interpretation.
Both require you
to step in, plunge into the messy
inexact language, strip aside
red herrings and ungainly phrases,
to reveal the true fault or crux or hero.
I want to share this,
this literary or auditory surgery.
I want them to feel
that amazing sense of discovery
because it's not just a fun song
or a tedious book
but a tale,
something that once was,
was real and vital
and can be so today.
I want them to be thrilled
that they are blessed, blessed!
With the ability to hear,
to read,
and to take it all in
and think.
I want to share
the sense of joy
and discovery
and moreover I want them to adopt it,
unthinking,
into their every day life.

June #12

It's funny how success
has come to be a vital part in my life -
success in classes and technicalities,
I mean.
From a haphazard way of living I have grown
to an organized approach,
a dedicated approach,
single-mindedly exceeding expectations
to receive grades that will have no influence
in five years.
So fleeting, so consequential -
this success
is not real
is not life
but still I grasp it.

June #11

"I am" Poem

I am at my best alone,
free alone,
at peace alone,
my thought and worries
pushed away, ignored,
as I enjoy alone, revel alone.
Alone I have no secrets
that I cannot discover;
alone, I have no lies
that I am not fully aware of.
I can be anything when I am alone,
I can realize the power,
the potential,
of any fleeting foolish dream.
I am uninhibited,
unbound, released alone,
not influenced by anything
except me.
I am at my best alone.

Yet there are limitations
to this selfish meditation
and this admittedly freeing solitude.
Hermits have no place in the world,
make no difference in the world,
learn nothing and can teach nothing to the world.
Alone, one can be...lonely.
Alone, one cannot act or take action,
cannot influence,
cannot experience.
It is better to be burdened
- if you can call life a burden -
with society, interaction, interest,
friends, family, husband, child,
that to be so entirely alone.
I am at my best alone,
but I will forsake my best
for the chance of life and love.

June #10

I just realized today that
memories still hurt.
After all,
why shouldn't they?
I was tossed away
and begged to be redeemed,
I was fooled by friends and boyfriends,
I never saw it coming.
I was in love
and some girl
had no qualms
about overstepping her boundaries.
Of course it still hurts -
I would be a fool
to expect myself to be well,
and at peace in mind.
There is still plenty
of healing to be done,
trust to rebuild.

June #9`

Sometimes I wonder
and worry, and pick
and create holes and mistakes
where there weren't any, before.
Is it the human condition?
Is it just me?
Do I create problems,
or do I really feel them?
How can we trust our emotions and our thoughts
when nothing is solid,
nothing is really real?
We are capsized in a sea
of subjectivity, no reasoning
powerful enough to right
our emotional boats.
After all
we can all argue both sides of the case,
can't we?

June #8

thank you for the flowers
the flowers that are still blooming
despite the intolerable heat.
they make bright my day,
a visible token of your love.
I am loved, by you,
and would have it no other way.

June #7

i
love
your car cuz
it is summatime.
the leather
stickin to the backs
ov my legs, the smell
those seats have in the heat,
of well luv'd leather
fading away
to cow-skin heavun.
for that
plus more
i luv ur car.

June #6

It's funny the troubles
we choose for ourselves.
Like greatness,
some we are given,
but some we must
accept the blame for.
Even the perfectly sound have
swiped themselves
more than they admit.

June #5

I don't know if you know this
but I'm not all the girl I used to be.
I'm half that girl,
and the other half
is this scared, madly in love,
afraid to lose anything,
afraid of everything,
easily hurt, easily bruised, easily broken and betrayed half woman.
She feels abandoned easily.
She is ruled entirely by her emotions.
The other me,
the first me,
the one you feel in love with,
can think and breathe and make living sense,
but she is overruled by this new presence
who sometimes
insists that horrible things will happen,
expects things -
and then wonders if she's expecting too much.
This other woman
doesn't know her limits
but knows that she has fallen so deep in love
that to extricate herself
is suicide.
You need to treat her gently.
I am not her,
and most of the time,
that girl you feel in love with
is dominant.
But on days like today,
when that new woman has put herself
in the spotlight attempting
to make you happy,
you must be gentle,
appreciative, loving,
and hold her hand and look
into her eyes
and tell her what she wants to hear.
Because otherwise
she'll leave,
and call later,
and let you hurt her
again
and again
and again.
Then she'll wonder
how many chances you're allowed to have,
and cry more than she should ever do.

Just love her the way you love me,
but gently.

June

#1.
I have been remiss
in fitting words together
caught up with moving.

#2.
Finally summer
arrives in an unnoticed
slow warming of earth.

#3.
I love more than words
and speak more than just language,
giving you my heart.

#4.
Who says the newborn
lamb chases his mother when
she is in a stranger field?